Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

Chapter 1 -
- Ask open ended ("calibrated") questions: buys you time and gives them the sense of control
- Negotiation can be overly rational and formulaic: we need to keep in mind that we are people and have emotions
  - Use Kahneman's understanding of our two types of thinking
- Use tactical empathy to gain access to the mind of the other
Chapter 2 - Mirroring
- Your most powerful tool in verbal communication is your voice
- Mirroring (isopraxism), is imitation to establish rapport and lead to trust - we trust what is alike us
  - Repeat the last 3 words (or one important word) they said
- Mirroring allows you to disagree without being disagreeable
- The intention behind mirrors should always be "please help me understand"
- Lessons from this chapter
  - A great negotiator uses his skills to reveal the surprises he is certain to find
  - Use assumptions as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them vigorously
  - A negotiation isn't a battle, it's an opportunity to discover information
  - Make your sole focus the other person and what they have to say
  - slow it down
  - put a smile on your face
- Three voices of negotiators
  - Late night DJ: downward inflection calm and slow to make a point with authority without awakening defensiveness
  - Positive/playful voice: should be default, relax and smile while talking
  - Direct/assertive voice: use rarely
Chapter 3 -
- Empathy: the ability to recognize and vocalize the other person's perspective. You don't have to agree with them, just imagine yourself in their shoes
- Tactical empathy: understanding feelings and emotions-and what is behind them-so you can increase your influence
- Labeling: validating someone's emotion by naming it
  - use "It sounds like..." rather than "I'm hearing that...": "I" gets people's guard up
  - After labeling, wait in silence
  - Labeling diffuses negative emotions and reinforces positive emotions
- Accusation audit: list everything negative they could say about your to "take the sting out"
Chapter 4 - No
- Allow yourself and the other to say "no", it helps you feel comfortable and somewhat in control. No can mean:
  - I'm not ready
  - I'm uncomfortable
  - I need more information
  - ...etc.
- No is a starting point
- There are 3 kinds of yes: Counterfeit, confirmation, and commitment
- Our primal urges: to feel safe/secure, and to feel in control
Chapter 5
- "That's right" is better than yes
- "You're right" is dangerous
Chapter 6
- Compromise rarely leads to great results (think one brown shoe and one black shoe)
- It is important to know each other's deadlines, but they aren't fixed in stone
- "if you approach the negotiation thinking the other guy thinks like you, you're wrong"
- The most powerful word in negotiation is "fair":
  - "we just want what's fair"
  - "we have given you a fair offer"
  - "I want you to feel like you're being treated fairly at all times, so please stop me if you feel otherwise"
- Anchor their emotions
  - anchor their emotions and expectations low and then play on loss aversion
- let the other guy go first, usually
  - let them anchor and adjust, especially when you don't have all the information
- establish a range
  - understand that if you offer a range they will come in low
- pivot to non-monetary
- when you talk numbers, use odd numbers
  - an odd number ($115,500) sounds more exact, calculated, and immovable than a round $110,000
- make a surprise gift - which they will feel obligated to repay
- SALARY NEGOTIATION
  - be pleasantly persistent on non-salary terms: builds the right environment for discussion and can lead to higher salary if they can't meet those desires
  - define success for your position and metrics for your next raise
  - "what does it take to be successful here": once they give you guidance they have a stake in if you succeed and you have gained a mentor
Chapter 7
- asking calibrated questions (asking for help) is the most powerful way to suspend unbelief, allows them to focus on solving the problem and gives them the illusion of control
- instead of saying what you "need", describe what you are looking for and ask for suggestions
- ask: "How am I supposed to do that?"
- calibrated questions
  - be open ended, start with "what", "how"
- calibrated questions require self-control
  - bit your tongue
Chapter 8
- "yes" is nothing without "how"
- signs that they're not on board with you:
  - "you're right" instead of "all right"
  - "I'll try" means "I plan to fail"
- identify and motivate the players behind the table
- Dealing with difficult/aggressive negotiators:
  - 7-38-55: % contribution of message, tone, and body language, respectively
  - Rule of 3: get 3 yeses in the same conversation to confirm you are on the same page
  - Use your name in your speech as a form of "forced empathy"
  - use a multi step empathetic no
Chapter 9
- any response that is not an outright rejection means you have the edge
- archetypes of negotiating style:
  - Accommodate
  - Assertive
  - Analyst
- Ackerman bargaining system (for buying):
  - Set your target (goal)
  - Set you first offer at 65% target
  - Calculate 3 raises of decreasing increments (85%, 95%, 100%)
  - Use empathy and "no" to get the other side to counter before decreasing offer
  - Use precise, non-round number for your final offer
  - On final number, throw in a non-monetary item they don't care about to show you're at your limit
Chapter 10
- Black Swan symbolizes the uselessness of predictions based on past experience (unknown-unknown)
- never make a threat, but use labels to make the point:
  - "It seems like you value that I've always paid on time"
  - "It seems like you don't care what position you're leaving me in"
- know your opponent's worldview or "religion"
- People trust familiarity: build rapport
- Express passion for their goals
- Give a reason for your requests
- Don't accept that they are "crazy": search to understand why
  - If they have bad information, they will make bad decisions
  - Weird behavior might indicate constraints that they haven't revealed
  - They may have other interests
- Get face time
- Observe the unguarded moments before and after the actual negotiation
- If it doesn't make sense, there are cents ($) to be made
- 3 types of leverage
  - Positive (give them what they want)
  - Negative (hurt them)
  - Normative (using their norms to bring them around)
Prepare negotiation sheet
- When the pressure is on, we fall to our highest level of preparation
- The goal
  - Think though best/worst case scenarios but only write down a specific goal that represents the best case
  - Don't focus too much on BATNA since it can be too low and become your goal
  - Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn't take something better
  - Write your goal down, discuss it with someone else, and carry the written goal into the negotiation
- Summary
  - Write out a couple sentences to understand facts that led to negotiation
  - Your counterpart must be able to respond with "that's right"
- Labels/Accusation Audit
  - Prepare 3-5 labels to perform and accusation audit
  - Make a list of accusations they might bring
  - Then turn that list into labels and role play
  - Examples
    - It seems like x is valuable to you
    - It seems like you don't like x
    - It seems like you value x
    - It seems like x makes it easier
    - It seems like you're reluctant to x
- Calibrated Questions
  - Prepare 3-5 calibrated questions
  - Example "how" and "what" questions:
    - What are we trying to accomplish?
    - How is that worthwhile?
    - What's the core issue here?
    - How does that affect things?
    - What's the biggest challenge you face?
    - How does that fit in with the objective?
  - Behind the Table killers (committee)
    - How does this affect the rest of the team?
    - How on board are the people not on this call?
    - What does your boss see as the main challenge?
  - Find deal-killing issues
    - What are we up against here?
    - What's the biggest challenge you face?
    - What happens if you do nothing?
- Noncash Offers
  - Prepare a list of noncash items possessed by your counterpart that would be valuable
  - What could they give us that would get us to do this for free?

Topic: Negotiation