The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey

(New York: Harper, 2015), 243

Introduction

“there does not seem to be a middle ground any more between having it all and having nothing” (xvi)
"Every time we rescue, hover, or otherwise save our children from a challenge, we send a very clear message: that we believe they are incompetent, incapable, and unworthy of our trust." (xxi)
by focusing only on the outcome we miss out on the learning to get there

read Little House on the Prairie books!
we should parent for tomorrow not just today, autonomy, resilience, independence, real competence and real confidence

the style of parenting she describes is called autonomy-supportive parenting
You have to love your children enough to put their learning in front of your happiness. Even if you would do something nice (bring forgotten homework) for someone else, the difference between a random person and your kid is that you are raising your kid and responsible for their growth and learning (46)
doing things for your kids does not equate to good parenting
testing limits is a way of testing independence and is natural, parents need to be consistent in enforcing the rules to give kids structure (49-50)
parenting is teaching, and teachers look for the teachable moments in everyday activities
never let your love for your kids be dependent on their performance
Controlling parents:
- give lots of unsolicited advice and direction
- take over
- offer extrinsic motivators in exchange for behaviors
- provide solutions or the correct answer before the child has had a chance to really struggle with a problem
- don't let children make their own decisions
Autonomy-supportive parents:
- guide children toward solutions
- allow for mistakes and help children understand the consequences of those mistakees
- value the mistakese as much as the successes
- acknowledge children's feelings of frustration and disappointment
- give feedback

prise for effort, not inherent qualities
adopt a growth mindset in your own life, even when it makes you uncomfortable
don't reinforce maladaptive reactions to failure
make sure your child knows his failures do not lessen your love or opinion of him
let your children feel disappointed by failure
don't offer to rescue your child from the consequences of his mistakes

include your kids in family disasters
call them “family contributions” rather than chores
nagging and pestering is the best way to destroy motivation (for both children and husbands)
don’t fight your kids' battles for them

encourage play dates, enforce the same house rules for guests, and be on the same page with other parents

“every intervention or rescue is a lesson lost”
turn failures into a lesson in resourcefulness
children need to learn study skills, either at school or at home (c.f. Mrs. Hollman)
every time you rescue your child you push their helplessness out one more day

“how do you expect your child to become an adult if you never let them learn how?” (158)
expectation that children be perfect is poisonous

Topic: Parenting

Created: 2019-06-17-Mon
Updated: 2022-02-21-Mon