Bringing Up Boys by James C. Dobson

(New York: Tyndale, 2001/2014), 389

If character training is a primary goal of parenting, then the best way to install it is through the demeanor and behavior of a father. (69)

Parenting "must be your highest priority for a period of time...Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility." (107-108)

Knowing that you led your children to the Lord and will be with the min eternity will outrank every other achievement. (249)

Notes


Contents


Chapter 1: The Wonderful World of Boys

  • "For parents of boys the greatest challenge may be just keeping them alive through childhood and adolescence." (1)
  • "Their assignment during two brief decades will be to transform their boys from immature and flighty youngsters into honest, caring men who will be respectful of women, loyal and faithful in marriage, keepers of commitments, strong and decisive leaders, good workers, and secure in their masculinity. And of course, the ultimate goal for people of faith is to give each child an understanding of Scripture and a lifelong passion for Jesus Christ. This is, I believe, the most important responsibility for those of us who have been entrusted with the care and nurturance of children." (7)

Chapter 2: Vive LA Différence

  • Boys are different from girls.

Chapter 3: So What Is the Difference?

  • Hormones: more testosterone (facilitator of risk) and less serotonin (brakes)
  • Remember that boys are men in training

Chapter 4: Wounded Spirits

  • Boys in our day are experiencing a crisis of confidence
  • The disengagement of parents is the underlying problem plaguing children today
  • The standard of perfection has shifted upward out of the reach of most kids
  • You must protect the spirit of your child: take time to listen and care and direct
  • "One of your most important assignments as a parent is to preserve the mental and physical health of your kids. You wouldn't think of letting someone injure them physically if you could prevent it. Why, then, would you stand by and watch the spirit of your boy or girl being warped and twisted?" (48)
  • An overall sense of victimization is terribly destructive. Do not make your child feel victimized beyond the immediate circumstance.

Chapter 5: The Essential Father

  • "Chief among the threats to this generation of boys is the breakdown of the family." (53)
  • "A father holds awesome power in the lives of his children, for good or for ill." (57)
  • "Disconnection and differentiation": when a boy pulls away from his mother at 3-5 yrs old
  • The absence of early supervision and discipline is often catastrophic

Chapter 6: Fathers and Sons

  • "If character training is a primary goal of parenting, then the best way to install it is through the demeanor and behavior of a father...If you are selfish or mean or angry, you'll see those characteristics displayed in the next generation." (69)
  • A "good family man" is the family provider, the leader of the clan, a protector, and the spiritual director of the home.

Chapter 7: Mothers and Sons

  • Reach out physically and touch your boys if you want to get their attention.
  • "I am unalterably opposed to the placement of babies in day-care facilities unless there is o reasonable alternative." (85)
  • Boys desperately need to be supervised and civilized.
  • Parental involvement is the key to getting kids through the storms of adolescence
  • The woman serves as the gatekeeper between kids and their dad. She can build the father-son relationship, or she can damage it beyond repair.

Chapter 8: Chasing the Caterpillar

  • Overcommitment and breathlessness: "Routine panic characterizes the vast majority of people in Western nations."
  • Slow down and make time for the family
  • Boys are more likely to suffer from busy parents than girls because they are more likely to get off-course when they are not supervised carefully
  • Parenting "must be your highest priority for a period of time...Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility." (107-108)

Chapter 9: The Origins of Homosexuality

  • "It is a disorder" (despite being removed from DSM in 1973) (115)
  • "There is no evidence to indicate that homosexuality is inherited...If the condition resulted from inherited characteristics, it would be 'constant' across time." (116)
  • "Prevention is effective. Change is possible." (117)
  • citing A Parents Guide to Preventing Homosexuality
    • "There is a high correlation between feminine behavior in boyhood and adult homosexuality." (119)
    • "The father plays an essential role in a boy's normal development as a man. Mothers make boys. Fathers make men...He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness." (120)
    • "In 15 years I have spoken with hundreds of homosexual men. I have never met one who said he had a loving, respectful relationship with his father." (121)
    • "Mom needs to back off a bit." (121)
    • "Boys yearn for their father's affection, attention, and approval." (122)
  • "This movement is the greatest threat to your children." (127)
  • "Give your boys what they most urgently need: YOU" (128)
  • "What if it could be demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that homosexuality is, as activists claim, genetic, biochemical, and neurological in origin? We would still want to know, "So what?" As you said, the homosexual activist community would have us believe that because their behavior is genetically programmed and beyond their control, it is morally defensible. That is not supportable. Most men have inherited a lust for women. Their natural tendency is to have sex with as many beautiful girls as possible, both before marriage and after. Abstinence before marriage and monogamy afterward are accomplished by discipline and commitment. If men did what they are genetically programmed to do, most would be sexually promiscuous from about fourteen years of age onward. Would that make such behavior any less immoral? Of course not...Being genetically inclined to do immoral things does not make them right." (128-129)

Chapter 10: Single Parents and Grandparents

  • "The task of the single mother is the toughest job in the universe." (132)
  • "Each divorce is the death of a small civilization." (135, cf Pat Conroy)
  • "Get in there and lead! Punish when punishment is needed. Hug them when they need reassurance. And make them think you know what you're doing and where you're going even when you may not have a clue." (139)
  • "The boy who is trying to be an instant adult is still a cild and should not be burdened with grown-up responsibilities and cares. Don't tell him all your inner fears and anxieties, even if he seems able to handle them." (139)
  • Discussion about playing with guns (139)
  • Intact families: think about how you can help single parents
  • Grandparents: "When an old person dies, it's as if a library burns down. You are the library for your grandchildren." (146)

Chapter 11: "Let's Go for It!"

  • "It is impossible to understand why men do some of the things they do without considering their competitive nature."
  • Endurance: "Men wanted for hazardous duty. Small wages. Bitter cold. Long months of complete darkness, constant danger. Safe return doubtful. Honor and recognition in case of success."
  • Sports: value of teaching how to deal properly with anger, disappointment, and frustration
  • "The way you as parents respond to the painful moments will either make them better or worse." (150)
  • "It's ok, son. We'll do better next time...Children are going to disappoint us. It's an inevitable part of being young." (150)
  • Give individual attention to each child every few weeks, something one on one that particular child enjoys.

Chapter 12: Men R Fools

  • The sexual revolution and radical feminism is an attack on the very essence of masculinity (161)
  • Men have lost their compass: they don't know who they are and they're not sure what the culture expects them to be (169). They are universal scapegoats (171).

Chapter 13: Boys in School

  • Schools are typically not set up to acommodate the unique needs of boys (181)
  • If your child lacks discipline he needs to learn from you (185)
  • "Reading is the key to all academic objectives, and a world of adventure awaits those who learn to read." (186)
  • No school structure is perfect, but "if we had to do it over again we would probably homeschool out children" (188)
  • "Not all teachers are parents, but all good parents are teachers." (192, William J. Bennett)
  • "The great advantage of homeschooling is the protection it provides to vulnerable children from the wrong kind of socialization." (196)

Chapter 14: Predators

  • Postmodernism / Moral Relativism: truth doesn't exist, everything is relative, tolerance is the highest ideal
  • "Postmodernism has given credibility and free reign to every form of evil." (200)
  • But, ideas determine behavior: "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." (Prv-23 NKJV)
  • "One of your main jobs as a parent is to counter the culture." (202 cf Ellen Goodman)

Chapter 15: Staying Close

  • "As parents you must work harder than ever at building satisfying and affirming relationships with your kids. You must give them a desire to stay within the confines of the family and conform to its system of beliefs." (215)
  • "Rules without relationship lead to rebellion." (217 cf Josh McDowell)
  • "Love is giving somebody your undivided attention." (218)
  • "A close-knit family is what keeps boys grounded when the world is urging them to break loose." (219)
  • Be careful with what you say, as a painful comment may be remembered for decades (219)

Chapter 16: Disciplining Boys

  • The role authority is pivotal, and requires a firm but loving discipline (228)
  • Boys need structure and supervision: "A stream without banks becomes a swamp" (230)
  • "Mom and Dad are the authority figures, who must not tolerate rebellious or disrespectful behavior. When the child insists on breaking the rules, he is disciplined just enough to make him uncomfortable. The child must find it unpleasant and aversive. Parents should welcome him back with open arms, explain why he got in trouble and how he can avoid the conflict the next time." (231-232)
  • Children need to learn that "love can frown" (232)
  • "Setting up rules in advance and then enforcing them firmly is far healthier for children than chastising and threatening them after misbehavior has occurred." (233)
  • Don't count: "Counting just moves the line of your authority back three more paces." (234)
  • "Teaching a child to work is one of the primary mechanisms by which self-discipline is acquired." (237)
    • Begin requiring small tasks when they are young while remembering that the primary activity of young children is play (238)
  • Money: Money Matters for Parents and Their Kids and Surviving the Money Jungle (240):
    • God owns all: everything we have is on loan from him, and every spending decision is a spiritual decision
    • There is always a trade-off
    • There is no independent financial decision. There will never be enough money for everything you'd like to buy or do
    • Delayed gratification is key to financial maturity

Chapter 17: The Ultimate Priority

  • "Those who choose to bring a child into the world must give that boy or girl highest priority for a period of time." (246)
  • 1-career household: "Make the financial sacrifices necessary to slow the pace of living" (247)
  • Our top priority for teaching our boys is an understanding of who God is and what he expects them to do (248)
  • "Knowing that you led your children to the Lord and will be with the min eternity will outrank every other achievement." (249)
  • "The most effective teaching tool is the modeling provided by parents at home." (250)
  • "Everything we do during those foundational child-rearing years should be bathed in prayer." (252)

Topic: Parenting

Source

Created: 2024-05-27-Mon
Updated: 2024-08-16-Fri